Sunday, November 12, 2006

nicking numbers

[the following was originally meant as a class reflection
for philoma classes in dls-csb 2nd term sy2k6-2k7]

the other day, a friend of mine told me that she would be changing her cellphone number. when asked why, she told me that the previous number had so many bad memories from so many broken relationships, that she wanted to move on from them all. this led to a series of txt msgs about the meaning, nature and purpose of love and the risk of getting rejected or hurt.

i told her that while the possibility of rejection was part of the risk of opening up to someone, most of the time we are actually unaware of the unspoken expectations we bring into the budding relationship. when we are unaware of these expectations, we cannot effectively communicate to the other person where we are coming from and where we wish the relationship to go to. if we fail to communicate, how can we expect the other party to respond in kind? all we would be reading from the other person's actions is how s/he did not go out of their own selves and reach out to us.

more importantly, if we do not get to the bottom of why our relationships fail, we are bound to repeat them again and again. we could end up with a litany of how people did not understand us enough, how this or that person wasn't that considerate enough, and so on and so forth. instead of timeless testaments to the healing and binding nature of love, we may become bitter and usually obnoxious prophets of woe.

from my own wounded experience, i have realized (thankfully, with the help of more experienced people) that the following questions are important to ask at any time in the relationship.

(1) why do we feel the need to enter into the relationship in the first place?

(2) are we aware of the demands we impose upon the other person?

(3) are we aware of how willing or unwilling we are to change ourselves to make the relationship work?

(4) is the other person aware of his/her own demands and (un)willingness?

(5) do any or both of us communicate effectively and honestly to each other?

believe me, these are not easy questions to answer. in fact, these are the questions that may take a lifetime to realize that they need to be asked in the first place. long after we have begun new relationships or ended old ones, these are the questions that stay with us.

and, no matter how many times we have replaced our cellphone numbers, these are the questions that are bound to remain.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Kleiser said...

This is true, you can't always run from your past memories especially when it is bad memories from relationships. You have to put an end to it so that it would be easy for you to move on.

-Kleiser Chua-

3:06 PM  
Anonymous gi masinda said...

having too may expectaions in a relationship may increase the possibility of it to fail. like for example, when a certain expectation like wanting the other person to love you as much as you do, when it's not met, you may feel frustrated and upset.also, communication is very important so as for the both parties to be aware where the relationship is going. when we enter in a relationship, we must be ready and willing to accept who the person is and what that person can give. we must not demand too many expectations. every relationship has to end and when it does, we must communicate with the other person honestly. he/she has the rigth for truth. ending a failed relationship without closure is so much harder than losing the person itself.

- gi masinda

4:39 PM  
Anonymous mick quinton said...

..."obnoxious prophets of woe" -- nice

agree ako sa inyo sir, kapag nagsimula kang magexpect eh lagot ka na at ikaw rin ang mahihirapan sa huli kapag di nameet ung mga expectations mo...sabi nga nila carpe diem...seize the day, live for the moment... baket tayo mag-aaksaya ng panahon magset ng expectations eh kung pwede nmang enjoyin nalang naten kung ano ang meron tayo ngayon ^_^

and yes, communication, not just verbal communication, is definitely a major ingredient for a healthy relationship

6:40 PM  
Blogger MAY LINA said...

its true that in a realtion ship kasi communication is one very important ingredient.learning n to give and take is another aspect... there is no perfect relationship but there are people trying to be so...for me to love and respect each other weather in a relationship or with other people is important and that is all that it matters.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous husky7_jr@yahoo.com said...

Running is not an answer to our questions, facing them might as well solve it. It even gives us the answers why our relationship failed. Painful, absolutely yes but it is the best thing to do. With that acknowledgement of our own mistakes make us wise enough not to do it again in our future relationships... Our expectations might fall apart and lead us to change our phone numbers, our beliefs or even our entire perspective. Some may say crying is the only option to do. That is the risk of opening up your heart to somebody else. You let those "pain", "aggression", and "failure" to get in. It is the risk of loving. No one is exempted from it. When these detractors of relationship starts to establish in our minds, we now start to pose our demands, demands that might make the other feel uncomfortable...leading to an disastrous end.


-Jethro Romero-

3:48 PM  
Anonymous dragon boat rower said...

kahit na palitan niya number niya ang mga alaala ay nakatanim pa rin sa kanyang isipan. (nagsayang pa siya ng pera) bad memories are sources of our strenghts, we learn from it.. we can never take away bad/good memories and leave it alone.. we can take the pain away by doing things right and by moving on.

communicate with each other, use the verbal language to know each other and learn how to love and to hate. learn to expect the unexpected, know how to handle break ups and fights, learn to give and take.. for these are just obstacles in a relationship. these obstacles make your relationship with each other stronger and it may be a foundation of what you and your partner will become in the future.

"if you love her..tell her.. just don't expect to get a good answer. but try and try until you get her"

-don gueco (single)

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anna Castillo said...

looking back at my own life experience, I agree that we should not look for scape goats to heal or hide from rejections and failures, especially in relationships.Rather, we have to grow from these bad experiences,reflect and AKCNOWLEDGE OUR MISTAKES, sort out what we have learned and gained from them- and use them as we bounce back.If we dwell on these negative aspects, we hold ourselves back from taking new steps which can help and make us grow,this will really make us "obnoxious prophets of woe".Ofcourse expectations are part of relationships,although, these expectations has to be achievable. As the same, these expectations should be identified and be talked about so neither would live up to something that is impossible.we all want to live fairy tales but we also have to be realistic.expectations has to be verbalized through effective communication because failure to do so would lead to disappointments which we have set upon ourselves.

...and indeed,Life is a continuous process of discovery.

4:06 PM  
Anonymous ac cruz said...

Walang halaga ang pagpapalit niya ng number para masabi niya na handa na siyang mag-move on. Ang totoo, nasasaktan pa rin siya at ang mga alaala ay hindi ganoong kadaling mawala.

Mahirap talagang magsabi ng nararamdaman sa taong mahal mo. Kailangang mag-ipon ng napakaraming lakas ng loob para lang masabi mo ang gusto mong sabihin. Pero dapat handa ka rin sa mga posibleng mangyari. Malaki ang chance na masaktan ka. Basta gawin mo ang parte mo at hintayin mo naman na gawin niya yung kanya. Ganoon kasimple.

Para sakin, dapat gumawa ka ng paraan upang lumigaya ka. Walang ibang gagawa nun para sayo kung hindi ang sarili mo lamang. Pero kung wala kang gagawin, wala talagang mangyayari sa buhay mo. Aasa ka lang sa wala.

-ac

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Carlo Lim said...

Running away from past experiences doesn't give one very good outcome. Yes, we may do things to forget some bad and hurtful situations in the past, but it will always leave something within us. Expectations are always present in relationships. It's just that one has more expectations than the his or her partner. Are we aware of the things that we do in our relationship with someone? Everyone is, but they don't fully control themselves on what they should react and act. Because of one's emotions that both of them failed to communicate honestly. It is not to say that one must not expect so much, but rather one must understand the expectation of his or her partner. Moreover, both should learn how to compromise instead of being frustrated by another's act. For me, there's nothing wrong in expectations.. It's just a matter of how both of you handle it... Expectations are in man's nature ...
- carlo lim

5:50 PM  
Anonymous tweesha said...

Maaaring tama ang sinabi nilang lahat... Pero maiba lang ako. Nakakaaliw ang mga pangalan ng mga nagko-comment sa blog mo. Kleiser Chua, Gi Masinda, Mick Quinton, May Lina, Jethro Romero, Don Gueco, Anna Castillo, AC Cruz, Carlo Lim... O di ba? Very... Err... brief. At ang seryoso nila lahat a? Hehehe... Kasi pala seryoso nga naman ang usapan... Weniwei, hindi na ako magdadagdag. Marami na silang nasabi. Amen na lang ako. Hehe. At syempre dapat idagdag ko pangalan ko.

- Tricia Par (O astig di ba? Brief din. Hehe. :D)

12:19 AM  

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