woodpaths

heartsong

2006-12-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

in the silence of our hearts,there is a song that only we can hear. there is a song that only we can sing. in the silence of our hearts, there is a song that we are invited to sing forever with our Lord of love... with our Lord of songs

awit ko, awit Mo

may awit ang pusong
umiibig sa 'Yo
may lulang pag-asang
mula sa puso Mo
kahit minsa'y kay layo
hinahanap Mo ako
at marahang inaayang
bumalik sa piling Mo

may awit ang pusong
umiibig sa 'Yo
may lulang pag-asang
iingatan Mo ako
kahit minsa'y di binawi
aruga't kalinga Mo
sa buhay ko'y labis
ang pagpapala Mo

ako ngayo'y umaawit sa 'Yo
ng buong buhay ko, ng buong puso ko
nang matahak ang landas
na S'yang nais Mo
nang mayakap
ang awit ko
ng awit Mo

dec.25.2k6

*photo taken @ nadela residence, busay, cebu city

pasko sa canto

2006-12-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

canto cinco (c5) celebrated this year's Christmas with a mini-concert for friends and family at the san jose seminary chapel last dec23. here are some pictures of the concert entitled "Pasko sa Canto." more pictures are available on canto cinco's multiply page. just click on the link below.
http://cantocinco.multiply.com/photos/album/12

an ode of lament

2006-11-13T00:46:00.000+08:00

since we are on the matter of relationships (cf. previous blog entry, nicking numbers), i'd like to share a recent poem about sadness.

although acknowledging our sadness may lead some to despair and desolation, i believe that a healthy awareness of this particular aspect of our lives helps ground us in whatever relationships we choose to enter into or leave behind.

sadness

there is a sadness of the heart
that can never be dismissed
by a wave of wit
nor drowned
by a sea of smiles

for it is a sadness
that speaks more personally
than the crowd of life

for there is a sadness
that sings more tenderly
with the poetry of silence
and the whispers
of the heart

111206, sun
11:38pm - to all that was, is and will be

*photo taken @ boracay island, copyright dougs joson may2006

nicking numbers

2006-11-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

[the following was originally meant as a class reflection

for philoma classes in dls-csb 2nd term sy2k6-2k7]

the other day, a friend of mine told me that she would be changing her cellphone number. when asked why, she told me that the previous number had so many bad memories from so many broken relationships, that she wanted to move on from them all. this led to a series of txt msgs about the meaning, nature and purpose of love and the risk of getting rejected or hurt.

i told her that while the possibility of rejection was part of the risk of opening up to someone, most of the time we are actually unaware of the unspoken expectations we bring into the budding relationship. when we are unaware of these expectations, we cannot effectively communicate to the other person where we are coming from and where we wish the relationship to go to. if we fail to communicate, how can we expect the other party to respond in kind? all we would be reading from the other person's actions is how s/he did not go out of their own selves and reach out to us.

more importantly, if we do not get to the bottom of why our relationships fail, we are bound to repeat them again and again. we could end up with a litany of how people did not understand us enough, how this or that person wasn't that considerate enough, and so on and so forth. instead of timeless testaments to the healing and binding nature of love, we may become bitter and usually obnoxious prophets of woe.

from my own wounded experience, i have realized (thankfully, with the help of more experienced people) that the following questions are important to ask at any time in the relationship.

(1) why do we feel the need to enter into the relationship in the first place?

(2) are we aware of the demands we impose upon the other person?

(3) are we aware of how willing or unwilling we are to change ourselves to make the relationship work?

(4) is the other person aware of his/her own demands and (un)willingness?

(5) do any or both of us communicate effectively and honestly to each other?

believe me, these are not easy questions to answer. in fact, these are the questions that may take a lifetime to realize that they need to be asked in the first place. long after we have begun new relationships or ended old ones, these are the questions that stay with us.

and, no matter how many times we have replaced our cellphone numbers, these are the questions that are bound to remain.

choral convergence

2006-09-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

taken @kapihan in jescom last sunday after a choir practice that turned out to be a mini-reunion for longtime unseen members.

photo by ms.triciapar

crossroads

2006-07-19T05:11:00.000+08:00

now

i take this path
only because of the hope
of finding You
once again

,

to where i've always been
from where i've always been
with You i'll always be

with me

.

*in loving gratitude to the Jesuits of the Philippine Province

gracias

2006-05-23T18:23:00.000+08:00

hay...

ang saya ng summer kasama ang mga kaibigan!

ang sarap-sarap ng mga pagkaing pinoy...

ang ganda-ganda ng pilipinas!

ang bait-bait ni Lord!

+amdg!

*photo taken @ boracay island, copyright dougs joson may2006

finally, a beginning

2006-04-28T01:39:00.000+08:00

its final.

i won't be joining my arvisu batch on may 30 for the entrance day to the jesuit novitiate. i have been asked by rome to extend my prenovitiate for another year.

as i informed people of the decision, many asked if i was okay. i answered that i was. others inquired if i did not feel bored or impatient. after all, it has been 11 years since i decided to answer the call from the Lord. it was taking too long, they said. inip na inip na kami, they confessed. shouldn't you be taking another path other than this, they asked.

smiling, i said no.

this is my path. deep in my heart, i know that this is the path the Lord has chosen for me.

in the stillness of prayer and solitude, i believe that what has happened is the Lord's will. that is why i can honestly say i am alright. i believe that for reasons all His own, the Lord is inviting me to wait some more.

to journey some more.

with Him, always with Him.

...

it's a beginning.

allow me to share the following email. this is the email i sent my arvisu batchmates the day after i was informed of rome's decision. i guess this is also meant to be shared to the people who have so generously expressed their support during my initial waiting period. to all of you, batchmates in arvisu or in life, my sincerest thanks.

...

my dear, dear batchmates,

as of this time, i probably have spoken to most of you via phone or cell to inform you of the latest developments regarding my application to the novitiate. to those whom i have been unable to speak to personally, my apologies.

so after a month of waiting, the verdict is in... more waiting!:)

i have yet to receive the specific details from fr. bill and/or fr. archie but from what i gather, it seems frgeneral is concerned that the previous year may have been more of a "transition" period from the dominicans to the jesuits. hence, he has discerned that it is not optimal to enter the novitiate at this time. the dominicans did give their reply after some time and it was included in the report/request given to rome. however, the more prevailing concern is for me to address some of the issues prior to entering the novitiate program. issues that i have grappled and shared with you during the past year -- issues that save for their origins and personalities, are no less different than most of yours.

in the tradition of arvisu, i am compelled to ask - how do i feel about this? what is the Lord saying to me?

i cannot deny that i am sad that i won't be joining this batch on may 30. most of you have expressed your mindset that i am part of the 2k6 novices. whenever people would ask how many novices would be entering, some of you interrupt me and say "10!" instead of the official "9." thank you for that. i can honestly say that that was my desire too.

there is also this minor feeling of confusion and anxiety brought about by the complexities of the situation. am i to reapply next year? am i to retake the exams and interviews? am i to stay in arvisu? sedeno? cabanglasan? for the moment, there seems to be more questions than answers.

however, in the midst of prayer after speaking to frbill & frarchie yesterday, there was this overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love. gratitude because of the love that everyone has expressed through these weeks of waiting. gratitude because of the concern that the province through its members have not failed to express. gratitude because of the trust and the effort given to my application despite the overwhelming odds. gratitude because i hope that i can address some of my concerns more intensely in the next year. gratitude because instead of seeing an obstacle, i have been given an opportunity. gratitude because i asked and prayed for the Lord to lead me where he wants me to go.

as is the theme of my life, i am being asked once more to let go and let the Lord lead me. i have earnestly told the Lord in prayer that i can only dream as far as the novitiate. if He has dreamt something different for me, if He wishes me to go where i have not even thought of going, i will go. but for now, he wants me to journey on a different path than yours.

he wants me to take this fork on the road so that in time, when our paths cross again in shn or otherwise, we would be more receptive and grateful to the grace that has always, always abided in us... to the love that has always, always embraced us in life.

i couldn't ask for anything more than His love.

i couldn't give anything less my own.

so on the 30th of may, after all our hugs, tears and goodbye's, i will be on the other side of the closed door.

but i know... i know... that i have a home in the cradles of your hearts.

as you all do in mine.

as we all do in the Lord's.

maraming, maraming salamat po mga minamahal kong kaibiga't kapatid.

-dougs

*photo taken @ nadela residence, cebu city, copyright dougs joson april2006

waiting

2006-02-17T15:32:00.000+08:00

waiting is not something i'm very good at. i used to think that waiting was the horror of efficiency and the bane of creativity. my generation is not a generation of wait-ers that is why we love the remote control.

but there is a different type of waiting that neither abhors efficiency nor impedes creativity. there is a different type of waiting that comes not only from patience, but from hope.

there is a different type of waiting that springs from hoping in a God who hopes in us.

in a God who waits for us.

paghihintay

naghihintay ang pusong
may kasamang pagtahimik
nag-aabang ang diwa
kahit kay dilim ng langit
nahihimlay sa duyan
ng ala-alang kumakapit
sa hanging umiihip
at mga talang umaawit

naghihintay ang pusong
may kasamang pagtangkilik
sa pag-asang di malaon
ang umaga nga’y sasapit
nahihimlay sa duyang
hinahabi ng pag-ibig
at marahang inaalon
ng paghele ng `Yong awit

sadyang mahaba man ang gabi
may pag-ibig na hindi napapawi
may tiwalang mamalagi
may pag-asang manatili
sa pag-ibig na hindi nagkukubli
hindi man lubusang matanto
ang pag-inog nitong aking mundo
may pag-asang mula sa `Yo
inaawit nitong puso
na nagtitiwalang Ika’y kapiling ko

*photo taken @ arvisu.jesuit.prenovitiate, copyright dougs joson feb2006
(featured in the photograph is martin licup, a fellow prenovice who hails from candelaria, quezon)

kailan lang

2006-01-29T13:02:00.000+08:00

kalian lang ako
napayapa’t natauhan
na higit ang `Yong pagpapala
kaysa sa aking kakanyahan
na ang buod ng aking buhay
ay pagbukadkad sa hangganan
dahil sa Iyong pagmamahal
ang paglalakbay pala’y

pananahan.

para kay kuyakoy
012806.9.43ng.sab.

*photo taken @ arvisu.jesuit.prenovitiate, copyright dougs joson 2006

re-solution

2006-01-07T23:26:00.000+08:00

the following was a reflection i shared with the sto. domingo community during the eve of the new year in 2003. that year was the year when i left dominican formation after 8 meaningful years. i actually left on jan26, a few weeks after i posted this reflection. in gratitude for the many graces that i have received since then and in anticipation of another year of journeying with the Lord, allow me to republish it here.

precious.

each second. every moment.

fleeting. yondering. fading into the yawning recesses of our memories. shining from the urging imminence of our upcomings.

as man, we are both keepers of the past and heralds of the future. reflectively enlightened by the ingrained former. responsibly emboldened by the hovering latter.

as man, we are the site where the has-been’s and the will-be’s of our lives present themselves. the nexus of time.

as man, we are the fulcrum, the pivotal point of all our recollections and dreams, all our triumphs and defeats, all our anguish and hopes.

as man, we are the itinerant pilgrim ever dwelling in the stories that we weave. on our own. with others. in the stories they weave in ours. in the stories they weave from ours.

in and by our weaving, we hope to unravel ourselves to the mystery of life as a gift. a blessing. a calling.

each second. every moment.

precious.

life is precious because it is vulnerable. a precious life is to be lived in responsibility and in gratitude.

in responsibility because of the perennial peril of falling. of making mistakes. of succumbing to indiscretion. every instance is a call to care. every minute an invitation to be care itself.

during the times when we, either individually or collectively, falter, let us yield neither to anguish nor to hate. in the face of sundered relationships, severed communications and spurned trusts, let us dare to break the despondent cycle of violence.

let us utter a word of hope and offer a hand of peace to a world marred by sin and death – for as man, we are the ciphers through which the Word of Life and Love speaks and reaches out to the world.

our God has embraced this vulnerability in His mercy and compassion. for this, we are immensely grateful.

each second. every moment.

yearning to live. responsibly. gratuitously.

let us begin with ourselves.

let us begin with our community.

hapi new year.

010103,wed
Lk 2:16-21
Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God

a faith-ful God

2005-12-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes in life, we feel that God has abandoned us, that He is nowhere near us, that God no longer loves us. but when we engage in the quiet stillness of prayer and solitude, we realize that rather than waiting for God to be with us, God waits for us to be aware that He has always been and will always be with us.

the following poem (which eventually developed into a song) comes from the realization that although we say that we believe in God, in another sense, it is God who believes in us. He has faith and hope in us more than we have faith and hope in ourselves.

let us not stop believing and hoping in ourselves.

let us not stop believing and hoping in each other.

God never has.

God never will.

in time you will

I long for you
to see Me in your gaze
for I am with you
all throughout your days
I keep you safe
from harm of passing storms
I hold you close
from night till morn

I pray you hear
Me calling out your name
my word of hope
embraces all your shame
my word of mercy
sings of love that’s true
my life I give
for love of you

*though you may feel
that you are on your own
I tell you now,
you’ve never been alone
though you may fail
to see I love you still
my heart believes
in time you will

I long for you
to take my outstretched hand
I do not ask
for you to understand
I only ask
for you to make your home
within my heart
my heart alone

*though you may feel
that you are on your own
I tell you now,
you’ve never been alone
though you may fail
to see I love you still
my heart believes
in time you will

(photo taken at Manresa Oratory, Arvisu House on October 2005; featured in the photograph is ian nadela, a fellow prenovice who hails from cebu)

me and da kids

2005-11-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

yup, that's me with two adorable kids and nope, they're not mine.

i'm so happy i decided to go home after our recollection. these pamangkin's only visit our compound every now and then. most of these every now and then's, i'm not there... so it is pure jooooy (!) to see them all again. as you can see i am beaming.

kenken, the boy on my lap, has just reminded me of his christmas gift. he says i keep on postponing the gift i promised him last year. kaela, the hazy girl on my right, was having a hard time pronouncing my name. the most she could mumble was "tito ato" -- good enuf for me.

being with them is one of life's simplest joys.

hay. i'm so happy being a tito.

lost and found

2005-11-21T22:33:00.000+08:00

most of the time, we feel that we have to search for God. this search may be in the form of relentless questions about the meaningfulness (or meaninglessness) of our lives or of constantly working to earn God's favor. God is sometimes seen as a Somebody-out-there who we have to please and follow.

yet in the silence of prayer and in the solitude of our hearts, we realize and feel that God is never away from us, that we are never with out-God. our God is a God has chosen to dwell in our hearts not because they are perfect but because He loves us. He is God-with-us, a God who constantly and lovingly abides in us.

ours is a God who is not gnawingly-distant, but tenderly near.

wanderings

i thought i had to go
and run that extra mile
i thought i had to strive and work
to earn your longed for smile
i thought i had to leave
to reach that special place
i thought i had to prove my worth
to fin’lly see Your face

i need to find my Lord
i need to hear my name
i need to rest my weary heart
i need to end this pain
i need to see my Lord
i need to hold His hand
i need Someone who’ll be with me
Someone who’ll understand

i walked the unknown roads
i swore i’d never cease
i climbed the highest mountain peaks
i crossed the stormy seas
i soared the burning skies
in search for my lost home
i passed beneath a million stars
yet found myself alone

until that fateful day
when love showed me the signs
when loving grace revealed to me
You were with me all this time
until that fateful day
when my life changed its course
when i let go of all my will
and knew that i was Yours

forever,

Yours

-mirador.jesuit.villa
10pm; rm.12-b
101905

mirador mornings

2005-11-09T10:09:00.000+08:00

this photo was taken at mirador jesuit villa during our discernment retreat last month. while waiting for the sun to rise (since i woke up quite early), i contented myself with viewing baguio and her residents as they slowly roused themselves from deep and refreshing slumber. eniwei, after 30 mins or so, the sun finally began his majestic ascent. it was then when i knew, i had to take this picture.

and oh, to write this poem.

mirador

have you ever seen a more glorious sight
than the breaking of the day
when streaks of gold fill the sky with light
where night once held its way?

have you ever seen a more glorious spread
than this palette of contrast cues
where arching peaks of crimson red
rest beneath the midnight blues?

have you ever heard a more glorious cry
than the early mornbird's song
who through her hymns of joyful praise
bids us to rise along?

have you ever had a more glorious scent
than the smell of dew-graced grass
where blades of green have been blessed with drops
from mountain mists that passed?

yet i confess
in all my life
there's one much more than these
there's one much more than shifting hues
from sunlight's golden fleece

for when the soul reminds itself
of its once and only home
then one will see how all this time
one never was alone

yes, when the soul reminds itself
of He whose love holds sway
then we shall see
a more glorious scene
than the breaking of the day

*photo taken @ mirador.jesuitvilla.baguio, copyright dougs joson oct2005

of canto boys and girls

2005-11-08T09:31:00.000+08:00

c5.

most people associate this term with a road. any knowledgeable motorist would tell you that c5 is the circumferential road crossing the pasig-taguig area. but for the people on the left, the word takes on a different meaning. c5, is not only a road.

c5 is a choir. c5 is a family.

i joined this group when it was still a month old last year. now, it is already a year old. more than its age, i have seen it grow in other areas as well. since my entrance to arvisu, i have been unable to attend the practices so when i joined the practice two friday's ago, i found myself pleasantly surprised.

first off, somebody who wanted to join the choir had to undergo a choir tradition -- audition! this 30-something (i'm being kind to his age) former seminarian had to sing in front of everybody. afterwards, he was interviewed. second, we practiced a song arranged by darren, one of our members. the arrangement was very creative and very challenging for most of the voice groups. in the end, everyone enjoyed the arrangement especially the sopranos who had to do a C#! lastly, the group engaged in a preview of the readings for the upcoming sunday mass. as it turned out, members are assigned as liturgists for the week. the liturgist comes up with the repertoire based on the theme and readings for the that sunday.

i have not even begun telling you how this choir has improved vocal-wise. far from the shy and timid group last year, it has conducted parish seminars on liturgical music and has joined the more seasoned jesuit music ministry choirs such as bukas palad and hangad on several occasions.

but what has really struck me is how much the group has grown, how much it wants to grow, and how much it continues to grow. in between practices are the endless yahoogroup emails, messages (and counter-messages!) and food trips! this choir treats any food establishment as their own living room (this includes starbucks, much to the dismay of the reviewing public who treat coffee shops as their own personal library). people have begun sharing their own stories and their own encounters with people. most importantly, they share their own encounters with God. i see that the members have bonded far deeper than the vocal arrangements. their musical prowess is a testament to one thing...

the harmony of their souls.

sure, the group has its own share of concerns and issues. it has had (and will continue to have) its fair share of growing pains and misunderstandings. but what is important is that people are still willing to sit down and listen, to pause and hear the other side, to dwell in silence to let the other speak.

in the end, the allusion to a circumferential road may not be too farfetched after all. as a road and like the church it serves, c5, is a choir always on a journey.

c5 is a choir always on a pilgrimage.

with God and for God.

silent vocation

2005-10-26T17:02:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was witness to one of the most sorrowful scenes in human life. burials.

well, to be more exact, it was a burial mass at a memorial chapel. i was requested to play the keyboards by a priest-friend who is a relative of the deceased. while it was certainly not my first funeral mass, what made the event more poignant and more moving was the fact that the little girl was only three years old and that the mother was due to give birth to her 3rd child anytime soon. that was why we weren't surprised to see an ambulance outside the chapel. the circumstances of the child's death are as to this writing still unknown. from what i gathered, the child was brought to the hospital last thursday having shown symptoms similar to having a flu. after a while she was discharged. by friday evening, she died.

during the part when family and friends were allowed to view the casket before it was brought to the cemetery, the entire room was in tears. i was particularly moved by the sight of the parents crying and embracing each other, trying to lend whatever strength they could muster to each other. i remembered having heard from an old priest that burying one's children is one of the greatest sorrows in being a parent. it is usually expected that children bury their parents and not the other way around.

i guess what really moved me about the event was the realization that had i been in the situation of the priest, i wouldn't know of anything to say to ease their pain. i realized that none of the principles i so deliriously studied in philosophy and theology would matter. if a person went over to the family and said, "hey, we're christians. we believe in the resurrection. so we have to believe that your child is in heaven. whatever pain your experiencing right now is caused by your imperfection, by your clinging to her. she was never yours anyway. she belongs to God", that person isn't a theologian. that person is a jerk. while what the hypothetical do-gooder said complies with every theological principle i know, the expression and timing is certainly most inappropriate and worse, inhumane.

i realized that there are times when even as theologians or students of theology, we are not required to always have something to say. theology is not about speaking but about listening. listening to God who speaks in the principles. listening to God in the history of the church. listening to God in the events of our lives.

listening involves being quiet.

and sometimes, it involves feeling pain in our hearts, and letting our tears flow. as i did while playing the keyboards during that funeral mass. i realized that i didn't have to have words to say to comfort the relatives of the deceased. they were good christians. they knew their theology. one just had to assure them that their tears were not uncalled for. that their grief was not misunderstood. that their sorrow was not beyond understanding. that their tragedy was not above compassion.

that their experience was not unheard of.

more than anything, our God is a God who listens to our lives. to our experiences and yes, sometimes, to our grief.

everyday, we are called to do the same.

shrouded

2005-10-24T22:22:00.000+08:00

ds pic was taken @d mirador jesuit villa in baguio where we just had our 5day discernment retreat. as u can see, the fog is partly covering one of the wings of the villa. everyday, the entire hill would be shrouded in fog during lunch time. it almost seemed as if the entire villa was transported to a never-where. allow me to share with you the following poem entitled balabal (101705, 12:25pm).

balabal

umaahon ang mga ulap
sa balikat ng bundok
niyayakap ang mga kabahayan
at mga puno, hanggang tuktok
inaanod, aking pananaw
ng umaalpas na katingkaran
niyayakap, aking puso
nitong sumasaating

kalwalhatian

procession

2005-10-10T23:15:00.000+08:00

yesterday was another usual day.

by usual, i mean another day replete with unusual-ness. first, i was nursing a fever until lunch time due to my over eager molars. their eruption started during my final advanced metaphysics class [i guess, like me, they couldn't wait to get out ;)]. second, i missed my payatas youth choir for the second week in a row! thirdly, it was my first time in 10 years to have ever missed the la naval procession. let me focus on this third movement of the day.

the la naval feast is one of the most anticipated marian feasts of the year. if one were dominican as i was for eight years, it was the apex of the first semester. la naval represented so many things -- won battles, timeheld traditions, pomp and grandeur, swarming devotees and angelic choirs. since it was a fixed celebration on the second sunday of october, it meant that it either concluded or heralded the beginning of the final exams in ust or pdcis. for dominicans, it is also a day of gathering. most priests and brothers from all over the country would congregate at sto. domingo church in q.c. to pay their respects and sing in the majestic, "Despedia ala Virgen." even when i left dominican formation three years ago, i still attended the last two la naval feasts since i was working in ust high school, a dominican institution.

yesterday, i intentionally missed the feast. i had to move on.

but moving on is not, as some would suppose, moving on in forgetfulness and hollowness. nay, a true moving on is one done in remembrance and gratitude. for past times. for present memories. for forthcoming hopes.

thankfully, i was not the only one moving on. from the many text msgs i received yesterday, one stood out. amidst the numerous text msgs of surprise, disapproval, bewilderment and curiosity regarding my decision to enter the jesuit pre-novitiate, it was my former calamba prior's txt msg that etched itself forever in my heart. after inquiring if it was true that i was under sj formation and after verifying if i was happy, he ended our correspondence by saying, "i'm happy ur happy pare. i will not love you less." it was a message worth a million salve's, an outpouring of compassion sung in a billion gloria's.

such is the victory of la naval. hers is not only the victory over the colonial seas, but the victory over our churning hearts.

viva la virgen!

2005-10-09T11:38:00.000+08:00

misspelled nametag

eternal return

2005-10-08T20:29:00.000+08:00

one begins where one ends.

each moment is an ending of a past beginning.
each moment is a beginning of a future ending.

this blog is something of beginnings and endings and the meaningful moments in between. with this blog, i am ending an era of self-concealment. i am trying to unfold myself to the world that has always unfolded around me. without me. within me. it is revelatory of my own moments, my own beginnings and endings as i continuously journey in life. for life. through moments like these. for moments like these.

for whether we move through life with a nostalgia for remembrance or a predilection for anticipation, what is important is that we are.

we exist.

in moments.

through moments.

for moments.

one ends where one begins.